Metal Detectors and the New Age...

If you're a guy like me, you often have a small knife in your pocket.  Not a big fixed-blade number, but just a small folding knife, useful for opening packages and letters, cutting string, and whatever! Some are Swiss army type knives, useful for the occasionally needed screwdriver or nail implement.  My best knives I keep at home, carrying only those that wouldn't be devastating to lose.

In an era of terrorists, plane hijackers, and kids shooting other kids in schools, metal detectors are everywhere.  I once had to pass through a metal detector to enter a science museum!  What am I gonna do...take hostages by the exhibits?!  Anyways, my unexpected pass through a metal detector set off the alarm due to the presence of a small pocket knife, an embarrassing and disconcerting experience.  The offending knife had to be surrendered until I was leaving the building.  Another time I had to pass through a metal detector to enter a courthouse, but knew better than to be carrying a pocket knife.  This time my belt buckle set off the alarm!  Thank God they found the offensive object before I had to undergo a body search.  It felt peculiar enough to have to remove the belt prior to being allowed to venture further, then put it back on after successfully passing the screening; I felt like the criminally accused.  Belts I had thought were put on when one put on pants, and kept on until the pants came off.

All of this drove home to me the thought that times have changed considerably since I was a kid, and one could pass unchallenged into schools and public buildings without going through metal detector screenings or passing through electronically secured doors.  We are all less free because we live in scary and uncertain times...

The Way of the Whirled...

Many people regard Xmas as their favorite holiday, whereas I myself am a Halloween person. Since Xmas intrudes on my observance of Halloween and all but obliterates Thanksgiving, I think it's only fair that we who favor the fall holidays also intrude upon Xmas observances since turnabout is fair play.  Christmas has become the Godzilla of holidays, the observance of which has come to span three months.  It's time to push back against this seasonal spread a little...

...this brilliant cartoon satirizes this fact, and is made all the more striking by the fact that it's drawn by a Shoebox artist, that being a division of Hallmark greeting cards!

The Great Muffin Famine...

  - - At a restaurant I often frequent for breakfast on weekends, I ordered an English muffin on the side with my breakfast.  Melted butter was brushed onto such muffins there, making them an attractive treat.  A moment later, the waitress returned to inform me that they were out of English muffins; this was at 9:15 in the morning.  Thoughts ran through my head. --Had the restaurant been swamped with people demanding English muffins at that early hour?  Since they were English muffins, had the shipment failed to come in from the mother country?--Was there some kind of muffin famine going on that I was unaware of?  If so, would a modern Vincent Van Gogh paint a "muffin eaters" picture such as "The Potato Eaters" Van Gogh had created to depict the potato famine?

My other item came, a single pancake.  Partway through the meal, the waitress returned to advise me that the bread man had arrived, and that English muffins were now available!  The Beatles had mentioned the eggman in one of their songs, but I had never heard of the bread man...were those two gentlemen acquainted?  

At any rate, I finally got my English muffin...and if you know the muffin man famous in the childhood song, could you connect me with him so that I could order my next English muffin fix in advance?

Dirtied Harry...

I've always enjoyed Clint Eastwood's movies and the characters he's portrayed who tend to be rugged individualists standing alone who have inspired me at times during my life when confronted by adversity.  I guess it's time, however, to divorce Eastwood the actor from the characters he's portrayed, ironically none of which would be likely to ascribe to the notion of putting a multi-millionaire vulture capitalist into the presidency.

Appearing before a gigantic portrait of one of his legendary western characters which dwarfed him, Eastwood's bizarre and at times vulgar performance before the Republican National Convention featured him debating and denigrating President Obama as represented by an empty chair.  Eastwood, who describes himself as a quiet conservative, is apparently a mixed bag politically, tending to be fiscally conservative but relatively progressive on a number of social issues.  Perhaps Clint needs to stick to the acting and directing  that he does so well, and emphasize the "quiet" aspects of his conservatism... 

The Political Low Road...

-- I dread the months that lie ahead of political campaigning, because so little meaningful dialogue actually comes of it. There are so many who seem to think that something is true if they say it often enough and loudly enough.  The mentality seems to be that a viewpoint is valid if the opposition can be shouted down or outlasted.  Intelligent and civil discussions of political viewpoints are seldom held anymore in favor of personal attacks on the person holding the dissenting viewpoint.  Labels bandied about become substitutes for thought; attach enough negative labels to the opposition, and the belief seems to be that you have discredited them.  A significant segment of the population seems to become politically galvanized by the simple attachment of labels.

American politics has become an exceedingly nasty business in the last few decades with the political ascendancy of the far right; one almost feels unsafe making their political beliefs known.  For such reasons I have come to dread elections, and shall be exceedingly glad when the current presidential campaign is over.  Try watching television without getting a bath in political acrimony during commercial intervals; it can be a stomach-churning experience.

Do I have political beliefs?--Absolutely!  I just go to some lengths to hide them at times, because I don't need the hassle and stress that seems to go along with expressing them in public...

The Horror, the Horror...

 - - He sat in court like a demented Bozo the Clown with his dyed reddish-orange hair; James Holmes, that is, the Colorado theater slayer of a dozen and wounder of dozens more.

Utterly horrifying and totally senseless as the incident was, sadly we've been here before...and we are likely to continue to revisit carnage like this until common-sense measures are enacted in the realm of gun control to curtail private ownership of assault rifles and large-capacity ammunition magazines, things which properly belong only in the possession of the military and law enforcement.

I also find it hard to comprehend why it is currently harder to buy Sudafed at a Walmart than it is to buy 6,000 rounds of ammunition on the internet...

Alternative Histories...

The advent of the film, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter leaves me hungry for more films like this and Cowboys & Aliens which blend history, fantasy, sci fi, and horror.  The use of historical figures as major characters is especially attractive, and is sure to beef up student interest in history, or at least in alternative history fantasies.  There we go...a unification of History and English in an attractive format!  We've now seen Abraham Lincoln as a slayer of supernatural creatures, so why not Theodore Roosevelt vs. The Zombies?--Dang!--I think I'll write that!

Scenario:  "In a post-apocalyptic early twentieth century world, human civilization stands on the brink, close to going under.  Only one group stands between humanity and hordes of flesh-eating zombies:  Teddy Roosevelt and The Rough Riders!"

Teddy Roosevelt vs. The Zombies...coming soon to a theater near you!

The Agony of Da Feet...

Have you ever been someplace where walking was important, say on vacation, developed a blister due to an ill-fitting sock, and suddenly been transformed into an orthopedic cripple? Then with several miles of boardwalk before you, experienced the true meaning of the expression, "the longest mile?" 

 I can go for years without getting a blister, and one seldom plans on getting them. You can even nurse yourself along when the skin has just bubbled up, forming a kind of small balloon on the surface. When that bubble bursts, however, there's nothing but raw flesh between yourself and an abrasive environment, and you begin to appreciate just how many nerve endings lie in a few centimeters of body surface. These nerves all loudly sing their presence and indignation when they are rudely exposed by a rubbed-off, burst, and now angry blister! 

 You know those low-riding, half-socks that they sell that extend no further up your leg than the ankle?--Shun them, at least if you plan on doing serious walking, for they are the socks of the devil, or at least the Spanish Inquisition! They tend not to remain planted on your foot but rather ride up and down, sliding around on and against your heel with prolonged stepping.--That's right, they are a blister-generation device! If you see serious hikers, you'll notice that they almost always wear quality thick full-length socks, even when wearing shorts. Hikers wisely value function over style, and know very well that if their feet are hurt, the game is over!

 So when I limped in agony those last excruciating steps up the boardwalk to join my better half, I was asked, "What happened to you?!" I had learned the painful lesson of the importance of wearing the right socks and footwear.--Did you know that a blister became infected, and killed the son of President Calvin Coolidge? Respect your humble feet, and treat them well, or suffer the painful consequences!

The Poor Don't Have Cadillacs, Mitt...

I didn't darken the interior of a church on Easter Sunday. I did, however, give enough money to buy a meal to a homeless man I saw begging at the off ramp of a major interstate. I think that did me more good than listening to a sermon.--"Give me that old-time religion?" No thanks, give me a social gospel any day instead...

Surrealism in Real Life...

 - - Driving along a major roadway during a snowstorm the other day,  I beheld a most remarkable sight...a clearly-miserable African-American Statue of Liberty, his head spikes battered downwards by the stormy weather...it was wrong on so many levels!

...It was a costumed representative of Liberty Tax Service, standing by the roadside in a simulated copper Statue of Liberty skin to lure customers to the tax service.  I have seldom seen a more incongruous, out-of-place, and unhappy figure than this, whose woeful situation and absurd presence added an unintentional comic note to a dismal winter day!

Social Dancing, Anyone?

- - When I was a kid in times long ago, my parents actually made me take a course in social dancing, which was apparently something that people really did during times even longer ago. About age 13 at the time of these lessons, back then I would sooner have had flaming bamboo splints shoved under my fingernails, being that dance lessons involved wearing uncomfortable clothing for a prolonged time and physically touching members of the opposite sex in a chaste fashion while learning something that I was not even remotely interested in.

Taught by an elderly woman who might have been considered hot during the flapper era, the course taught me to do dances such as the Waltz and the Fox Trot, advancing to such decadent things as the Cha Cha. I have in the many years since waited in vain for someone to ask me to demonstrate my profound mastery of the Fox Trot, but sadly no one has.

I guess that I'll have to file my knowledge of social dancing along with other things that were required and painful to learn, but which I've never had to actually use in the real world...you know, things like algebra...

To An Athlete Dying Young...

- - Smokin' Joe Frazier has sailed into his rest, seemingly like many amateur and professional athletes dying young in his 60's. Considering the list of many professional athletes, it would seem like they (with some exceptions) while exceptional physically in their youth do not necessarily live longer than the rest of us; boxers in particular take a beating, quite literally. The same might be said of amateur athletes; a family member of mine who was a three-letter athlete while in school also died in his sixties.


--Could it be that the candle which burns brightest burns shortest?--In any case, pass me that Little Debbie snack cake while I watch the idiot tube!

Enough, Already!

- - It was just November 4th when I ventured into a Walmart, there to be assailed by the store music being played, and my God!  They were playing Silver Bells!  Wandering towards the foods entrance, I beheld a giant Xmas tree extending from floor to ceiling, fully decorated.  Additional Xmas carols continued to batter my poor eardrums, fully seven weeks before the holiday.  In a few meager shopping carts resided the pathetic remains of Halloween, now being sold for 75% off...Thanksgiving, the forgotten and oppressed holiday, was limited to a few wretched rows of greeting cards.


Something tells me that it's going to be another long and wearisome season of Christmas, the two month long holiday...

Hallowinter...

- - It ain't fair, I tell 'ya; guys like me wait all year in eager anticipation of Halloween, only to have it diminished by a freak pre-Halloween heavy snowstorm in my part of the country.  As if the hovering presence of the Christmas juggernaut wasn't enough! 

Now Halloween is many things, but snow isn't really one of them; snow's a winter backdrop, and is kinda contrary to the spirit of autumn.  Yes, the air should be crisp in fall, but six inches of snow goes way beyond a nip in the air.  There'll be plenty of snow later on, when it's supposed to be here; fall and Halloween really don't need the intrusion!  So where do I go to demand a refund and a full accounting for the Nightmare That Stole Halloween?

Waiting for AI...

I've liked robots since I was a little kid. Robots make the perfect friend; they're discrete, helpful, obedient, and quietly awesome. Robbie the Robot from the 50's movie classic "Forbidden Planet" was one of the first 'bots I had ever seen, and it was love at first sight! I even had some metal robot toys modeled after Robbie; if I still possessed them, they'd be worth a bundle.

My love for robots is why I can't wait for true artificial intelligence to get here; I want interactive robots around the way that people now have cell phones. You know how "The Jetsons" had "Rosie the Robot?" It would be something like that...

...but the future doesn't get here fast enough. We should be on Mars by now...we should have flying cars by now...so I guess my household robot's gonna have to wait, too...

The Horror!--The Horror!

The August 23rd Virginia earthquake was probably the biggest non-event in my area since the Apocalypse predicted by Rev. Camping, and like the apocalypse that wasn't has also drawn far-right religious whack jobs out of their holes babbling about the "End Times," often in association with the Obama administration.

For the scientifically minded, however, the earthquake is a reminder that the Earth is geologically active, and that earthquakes are possible even if unlikely in almost any location. So, for that matter, are asteroid strikes.

And for the terminally shallow, the greatest hardship posed by the earthquake was that their cell phones were temporarily inoperative in the Washington area, making it briefly impossible for them to "Tweet" about their experience! - -Why, the very fabric of society might unravel!

Days of Summer Past

- - Forgive me, but some people get awfully wimpy when it gets hot. If you've walked on this earth for a few decades, probably you can remember when not every place was air conditioned; go back a bit further, and the majority of places were not air conditioned. I've attended non-air conditioned schools and shopped in non-air conditioned stores and markets; I've lived in non-air conditioned houses, resided in non-air conditioned dorms, and ridden in plenty of non-air conditioned cars on the hottest of summer days. I didn't die...sure, it was hot and it was uncomfortable, but everyone else was likewise suffering. It's just the way that it was in the not horribly distant past. To state the obvious, most of human existence occurred prior to the widespread use of air conditioning. People tend too often these days to confuse inconveniences with real problems.

There was a time when only ritzy stores and movie theaters boasted air conditioning; theaters would post signs outside to lure you in that said, "Come on in...it's COOL inside!" It was a real treat to go inside a movie theater for a few hours back then to escape the summer heat. Home treatments for hot days included cold drinks, popsickles, and maybe an electric fan. You'd sit outside at night because it was often cooler out after dark than inside within your house.

The vast majority of cars were of course not air conditioned, and you hoped that you could drive fast enough to get some cooling from open windows as you traveled; forget about keeping your hair neatly styled! Car upholstery in those days tended to be vinyl, which could get hot enough to burn skin when the vehicle sat out in the sun. Vinyl upholstery also doesn't breathe or allow much air circulation, so you sweated when you sat upon it and stuck to it.

All of this is submitted as a reminder that many today don't realize how good they really have it...and that the "good old days" weren't really that great!

Fun With Language!

- - I often amuse myself by imagining how alternative meanings of language might play out if implemented in reality. At a restaurant for breakfast, for example, I was told that Janice would be my server. Then my mind is off to the races...


Janice: (in tennis togs) "Hi, I'm Janice! I'll be your server today."
Myself: "Great!--Burn one in here, Janice!"
Janice: "Alright then!--Service! (tossing ball up)--* THWACK!*
Myself: "Good shot, Janice! Took out my water glass AND my coffee mug!"
Janice: "Thank you, Sir! Can I bring you anything else?"
Myself: "A bandage, perhaps? And maybe a hard-boiled egg?"
Janice: "I'll see what sociopathic eggs I can find in the kitchen, Sir."

In this manner, you can brighten up many dull events, and your companions will wonder why you are often smiling to yourself!

Rushing the Seasons...

- - Hitting a craft store the other day for art supplies, I was taken by the fact that all summer seasonal items were out on the curb for clearance. Walking into the store, I felt like I had entered a time warp and exited sometime in late October...there were garlands of colored leaves for sale, as well as other items that I normally associate with later fall.

Now given the fact that we have just passed the 4th of July and that summer is a season I like to have around, I'm none too eager to rush into fall. But have you tried to buy summer merchandise recently?--Good luck, it's probably on the clearance rack, which can pose a problem if you're looking for a specific clothing item or size.

What this means for the consumer is that you've got to buy at least certain items several months in advance of anticipated need, which is no small trick if you're the kind of person who usually can't see with certainty beyond the coming week. To me, next month is the future. I don't have a handle on the fall yet, nor do I want to deal with it during the month of July. Always living several clicks ahead of the present is a good way to screw yourself up plus lose out on the advantages of the present moment, which many philosophers assure us is of the highest importance.

Rushing the seasons has contributed mightily to the expansion of Xmas into a several-month holiday observance...and mark my words, you'll see the beginnings of advance Xmas promotions shortly after Labor Day!

Earth Day...

- - On this Earth Day, let's pause to remember that reuse is the highest form of recycling. In some areas, however, we're discouraged from doing that.

I walked into a Staples store recently to try and purchase a memory upgrade for an aging computer of mine, something about three or four years old. The kid who waited on me practically snickered when he heard about the age of the computer, telling me that they had nothing available and recommending that I look on the secondary market. A three or four year old computer is apparently judged fit only to be used as a paperweight or a doorstop; jeez, I've got socks and underwear in service older than that!

Not to be deterred, I went on eBay, and with a modest investment of time and money procured the memory I needed, elsewhere learning the details of its installation. After delivery, I installed the memory, quadrupling what was on the computer. With the added capacity, I was able to upgrade the operating system as well. My computer runs much faster now and can do everything that I want it to, plus I have the satisfaction of having saved it from a premature and unnecessary demise. It was a heck of a lot cheaper than an entire new system, too.

Reuse...it's a practice worth encouraging this Earth Day!